Pull one String and it all Starts to Unravel
by blueangel1415
Summary: She often wonders if Kilgharrah was wrong; that Mordred was her darkness and she his light. (But then she thinks that they've bled into each other somehow, and now they are just both different shades of grey.')girl Merlin/Mordred. Remember to review!
1. Chapter 1

'' The love that binds us is more than the power we wield. Morgana had forgotten that.'' His face is blank except for the small smile (smirk) that graced his features and his eyes remained unreadable even to her. He hates her, she knows he does, and even if he did feel some loyalty to Arthur, Mordred would strike him down just to spite her.

_(I shall never forget Emerys and I shall never forgive). _

* * *

'' Still don't trust me?'' He asks her. She presses on his wound and he hisses. Gaius looks up to where he is preparing the needle and thread for Mordred's wound. She ignores him.

'' No.'' She says simply.

''Why not?'' Merlin presses on his wound getting a thrill when as his face crumples in pain. '' I killed Morgana.'' _(I saved Arthur)._

'' Morgana isn't dead.'' She says it softly as if the high priestess herself would walk in any moment just to prove her right.

'' How do you know.'' He asks her and he is smirking again and she wants to slap him.

_(Because I can sense it). _

'' Because I just do.'' She backs away and lets Gaius stitch his wounds.

* * *

'' Emrys.'' It is always Emrys, never Merlin. He never addresses her publicly, but when no one is around- when he catches her leaving the castle to go see the dragon, (because gods know she needs his advice now more than ever), it is always whisper soft. To her embarrassment she shoves him one night.

'' Never call me that.'' She hisses, and it echoes through the empty halls.

'' Why? It's who you are.'' His voice is too calm- too rational- that it makes her scream. Instead, she pushes him out of her way.

* * *

She thinks of killing him- thinks of it every day. It would be so easy, just a drop of poison (she thinks of Morgana gasping), or a dagger in his heart while he's sleeping, (she thinks of Morgana, her dagger poised above Uther), it nearly drives her mad.

But then he is always there with thinly veiled eyes and a corner of his lip upturned.

_(He must know)_

* * *

'' Merlin, are you alright?'' Sunlight filters through the room and bathes Gwen in a golden light.

Merlin smiles, '' I'm fine.''

_(Gwen help me please, there's this darkness inside of me and I can't….help me Gwen.) _

* * *

Overhead storm clouds gather as Ealdor burns.

_(Morgana, Morgana, Morgana, I'm going to kill her, kill her, kill her, her kill her-)_. Lightning strikes as she screams.

She runs to the flames, (mother I have to save her, mother please…), arms wrap around her waist and she is hauled away from the heat. She kicks and screams, watching as her childhood home is turned to ashes.

Arthur and the rest of the knights look at her with pity as she is dragged away to the forest.

'' Emrys,'' is whispered into her ear. She stops struggling as Mordred whispers more words into her ears- ancient, soothing and full of sorrow.

She hates that he has seen her so vulnerable. '' You wanted this.'' She croaks out. By now they are both soaked to the bone and more than anything she wants to wake up from this nightmare.

'' Innocent blood is always spilled in times of war.'' He says, as if that answers her question- as if it makes anything better.

* * *

Most days she spends picking herbs for Gaius. Arthur has another servant, a competent one at that, and so she is left as a physician's assistant. Mostly though she bathes herself in the sun trying to pretend that everything is alright, (it isn't).

On this day she holds the carved the dragon that her father had given her, in her hands.

A whispered word and it set a flame.

* * *

Arthur touches her shoulder and it is almost like it used to be, when there wasn't a kingdom weighing on his shoulders, and too many secrets weighing on hers.

She smiles and bumps his shoulder playfully.

_(They pretend as if war has not changed him and her secrets have not changed her). _

* * *

She doesn't know where the others are but she guesses that they are too far away to hear her if she called for them.

She collapses against a tree as blood trickles from her side.

She hisses a few words

Nothing.

A few more words

Nothing.

She has never been good with healing spells. Then a flash of red catches her eye and he is there. Merlin expects him to gloat- to taunt, after all isn't this what he wanted? Didn't he want her to suffer?

Instead removes her hand and lifts up her tunic. She squirms but he just locks eyes with her, whispering words that even now sound alien to her, and for a moment her side feels like it is on fire. She cries out, her nails biting into her palms.

When he is done sweat trickles down his forehead and when he pulls his hands back he reveals a bruise where there was once a wound.

Merlin gets up and starts back to where she can still hear the clashing of swords, but she looks back briefly and mutters a thank you. _(Because she remembers a woman who was once her friend, her kin, and Merlin had turned her back on her as well and look at how that turned out.)_

* * *

Mordred finds her in the forest one day, and gives her a newly carved dragon.

_(He's taunting her- he must be.) _

She quirks an eyebrow at him before setting it on fire, he only quirks his lip. Every day after that he brings her a carving of the same dragon, and every day she burns it until it's nothing but ashes.

* * *

Ink stains her fingers as she searches for a new spell- a new way to help Arthur. Sometimes she wonders if Mordred can sense her failing attempts to help build Albion.

She wonders if he laughs at her.

* * *

Arthur plans to execute a witch and it is like Uther had never died. She argues with him but it is as if he is deaf, _(like his father)._

In the end Gwen ushers her out before their fight comes to bloodshed.

That night she sneaks past the guards and into the dungeons. It is like every other time, except it isn't.

The cell is empty.

'' You should go back to Gaius.'' Mordred is suddenly standing beside her, '' Better to say that people saw you with him before the warning bell rings.'' She is too shocked, _(no she isn't)_, and so she does as he says.

* * *

'' I still don't trust you.''

He inclines his head, '' and I don't trust you.''

She smiles bitterly, '' something we agree on finally.''

'' I hate you.'' She tells him.

He looks at her from the corner of his eye, '' I know.''

'' And you hate me.'' He nods and she thinks that, that is all that needs to be said.

* * *

Merlin places her feet in the lake as the sky turns red.

_(The color of blood, of men that had fallen, the color of Mordred's sword.)_

* * *

'' You're destiny will destroy you,'' he tells her one day, '' you'll give yourself bit by bit, but it will never be enough. Albion will still crumble, Arthur will fall, and there is nothing you can do about it.'' She clenches her fists and wills herself not to lose control.

''You're wrong.'' He leans closer to her and her eyes flutter shut as she feels his magic wrap around her.

'' You can't stop destiny Emrys.''

_(He sounds almost sad). _

* * *

'' Arthur?'' She doesn't look up as hears papers shuffle and the scratching of pen on parchment.

'' Yes Merlin.'' He sounds so tired that she almost stops.

'' Do you believe in destiny?'' The scratching stops and she looks up to see him eyeing her warily.

'' Are you alright Merlin?''

'' I'm fine. Now answer the question.'' Arthur stretches back and regards her carefully.

'' No,'' he says after a moment,'' I have to believe that the choices I make effect my kingdom and my people.'' Merlin wants to believe that, but she's seen too much, (done too much), to think otherwise.

Merlin goes over to him and kisses his forehead, a rare gesture of affection between them. '' Is everything alright?'' He asks quietly.

'' Of course.'' She gives him a smile, but it's strained.

(No, because you're like a brother to me, my best friend, and I'm going to watch you die.)

* * *

She watches as he drinks his fill with the other knights, watches as he stumbles drunkenly towards his chambers. He seems startled when she grabs his arm and leads him to his door.

Then she kisses him.

It's probably because she's a glutton for punishment, (but mostly it's because she wants to haunt him as much as he's haunted her). To her surprise he pushes her closer to him until there's no space left between them and her lungs feel like they're on fire.

When they break apart she steps back, even though he magic is telling her not to, '' Never again.'' And even in his drunken stupor he manages to smirk.

_(Because he knows she's lying.)_

* * *

She leans against him, '' I should have killed you long ago.''

He brushes a piece of hair out of her eyes and the sweet wine she had been sipping turns sour.

'' You still can.'' Merlin takes another gulp of wine before passing it to him.

'' No I can't.''

* * *

'' You told me to give him the benefit of the doubt.'' Gaius looks at her disapprovingly, and where once that would have made her guilty she now feels hollow.

* * *

'' I'm so tired.'' She tells him. _(I'm tired of it all). _

She shivers as his thumb traces her spine, skin against skin- magic against magic. He doesn't say anything, but instead brushes a kiss against her lips, _(almost like he cares for her). _Merlin wants to ask him if he feels their magic's now- how they intertwine. How they are always intertwined, _(ever since that first time)_.

* * *

She hugs Gwen as the bloody sheets are taken away

'' You can try again.'' She tells her friend; because it's the only comfort she can give her.

_(You'll never have a child and you'll resent Arthur for that- you'll start to dream of ghosts.)_

* * *

_(I have magic.) _She plays the scenario a hundred times in her mind and it always ends the same way.

So when Arthur does finally find out it is not a surprise that he banishes her, and it is Mordred who escorts her to the edge of Camelot's boundaries.

'' Will you not gloat?'' She asks him holding back her tears. He leans over and brushes a kiss on her cheek and she takes it as a goodbye.

* * *

She does not stay in the druid encampment for long, instead she seeks Morgana out. It's bloody and long but finally ends when she puts a dagger in Morgana's heart. Merlin burns Morgana's body and takes Aithusa to _Kilgharrah. _

_(It feels like it should be the end, but she knows it is only just the beginning.) _

* * *

Merlin dreams about him sometimes. They're fractured and blurry, but glimpses of frost blue eyes are enough to wake her up and leave her gasping.

_(She has lost everything so why does he still torment her?) _

* * *

_'' _Come and serve in my court.'' Annis tells her.

'' I won't be your fool.''

'' That wasn't what I was asking.''

'' I know.''

She still can't quite get used to the new clothes that Annis makes her wear or the respectful bows she receives from courtiers.

_(She still looks over her shoulder before she does a spell.) _Old habits die hard.

* * *

Merlin tries not to stare as Mordred kneels before Annis as ambassador to Camelot and heir apparent.

'' You've gotten everything you wanted, haven't you?'' She asks him later.

'' Not everything,'' he tells her in-between kisses, '' not yet.''

'' Give Arthur a message for me.'' Merlin asks as he is due to leave.

'' What is it?''

'' Morgana is dead.'' The look that crosses his face in that moment is between despair and anger.

_(I was in your bed last night and my hands were stained with Morgana's blood.) _

After that he dreams sharper- more pain than pleasure.

She wakes in the night screaming into her pillow, crescent marks on her palms.

News of Arthur travels fast; he conquerors kingdom after kingdom (with Mordred by his side).

'' Will you bend the knee to him?'' She asks Annis.

'' Do you think I have much of choice sorceress?''


	2. Chapter 2

Annis kneels before Arthur and Merlin with her.

_(Destiny is set)_

Sometimes she feels like her life is like picking up a handful of sand_, (no matter how hard she tries she knows it'll slip through her fingers eventually.)_

When she returns to Camelot it is as an advisor to Annis. And more than ever she feels like a stranger in a familiar place.

Arthur and Gwen are polite.

Gaius welcomes her with open arms.

Mordred doesn't meet her eyes.

* * *

Merlin almost doesn't stop when she passes Arthur in the otherwise empty shell.

'' Do you hate me?'' She asks him.

His shoulders slump, '' I could never hate you Merlin.'' Merlin wipes the tears from her eyes and gives him a watery smile.

'' I could never hate you either.''

* * *

'' You've grown up Gwen.'' Merlin says softly. Her once friend, touches her cheek with a soft hand.

'' You're still the same.'' Merlin laughs at that because she feels anything but the same.

(Mordred had once told her that Emrys means immortal).

* * *

Rough lips bruise hers as hands dance across her skin, and once again she is undone beneath him.

''Why haven't you told Arthur yet?''

'' For the same reason you didn't tell him all those years ago.''

'' But you'll be king someday.''

'' No I won't'' She gives him a questioning look.

'' Albion will still fall Emrys.''

* * *

'' You should of left me in my ignorance.'' She tells Kilgharrah.

_(I would have been happier). _

* * *

Sometimes when they lie together afterwards he'll trace runes onto her skin.

Once, she giggles as he traces one into her side, and everything freezes for a moment. He starts to pull his hand away-

'' Don't stop it's…soothing.'' She expects him to dress and leave, but instead he resumes his drawing_. (They resume their pretending.) _

* * *

'' I am afraid I must leave your employ.''

Annis does not look surprised.

'' That is a pity.''

Merlin finds a druid encampment just outside of the borders of Camelot.

* * *

Arthur builds Albion as she watches from afar, only using her magic when necessary.

_(Knowing that every victory brings him closer to his death)_

* * *

Merlin often wonders if the Kilgharrah was wrong, that Mordred was her darkness and she his light.

_(But then she thinks that they've bled into each other somehow, and now they are both just different shades of grey.) _

* * *

Merlin no longer dreams anymore- not of Mordred, Arthur, Gwen, Gaius, nor of anything that is to come. Now her dreams are nothing more than darkness.

* * *

Arthur finds her in the druid camp.

'' Gaius is dead.'' Merlin blinks and lets out a sigh,_ (because she has no tears left to spare for the man who was like a father to her). _

'' I- you may come for the burial.''

She shakes her head, '' No need. I said my goodbyes a long time ago.''

* * *

Then it is Gwen who finds her.

'' I'm going to a nunnery.'' Merlin nods and her Gwen looks her at with apprehension, '' did you know about everything? About all that's happened- did you know?''

'' Some.'' She answers and Gwen seems to take it into stride.

'' You'll look out for Arthur now. Won't you?''

'' Always.''

* * *

She returns to Camelot and she can feel the heaviness that encases the kingdom. When she finds Arthur he is looking out at the kingdom he has built.

'' So you've come back.'' Merlin says nothing in reply, but lays a comforting hand on his shoulder.

'' I'm so sorry Arthur.''

He tenses, '' After all this time, why have you come back?''

Merlin smiles, '' because I'll always be your friend Arthur, no matter what.'' They stand in palpable silence before he speaks again.

'' Mordred has left. They say he's amassing an army.''

'' I know.'' Silence again.

'' Am I going to die Merlin?'' Her throat tightens as she squeezes her eyes shut.

'' No,''

* * *

Merlin watches as Arthur signs his name at the bottom of the document.

'' I know it's too little too late, but…'' Arthur trails off and they are both left to contemplate what is too come.

* * *

''Mordred's army has already made camp in Camallan.'' Arthur pours over maps as his knights gather around him._ (It won't matter she wants to tell them, you'll lose- you'll always lose). _

'' Are you listening?'' Arthur asks with an annoyed sound. She nods and everyone turns their attention back to the maps. For a moment Merlin looks around the table at the men's faces and see's them all bloody- all dying.

* * *

Gwaine hands her a piece of apple which she takes gratefully, feeling the sweet juice drip down the corner of her mouth.

'' Do you regret coming to Camelot?'' She asks him, finishing off her piece of fruit.

He gives her another and shakes his head, '' No. Camelot gave me a home- a family, '' he looks at her, '' do you?''

Merlin shrugs, '' Sometimes,'' at his questioning look she continues,'' if I had stayed in Ealdor I would have been bored- life was tedious there and,'' she hesitates, '' I was never really happy.'' She takes a deep breath and another bite of fruit swallowing hard, '' Camelot was…adventure, excitement- a new start. I just never thought it would bring me such pain.''

* * *

''Do you love him?'' Arthur asks her one day.

'' Since when did we share our feelings?'' Her voice is wry and it makes him smile a little, '' Why do you want to know?''

'' Because,'' he hesitates before tripping over his next few words, '' I don't want you to-what I mean is,'' he stops and swallows, '' are you going to kill him?'' Merlin sits back in her chair as Arthur's face darkens.

'' Eventually,'' She says finally.

Arthur squeezes his eyes shut as if in pain.

* * *

Merlin stares at Kilgharrah expectantly, '' Why did you tell me what was going to happen? Everything,'' she gestures to the woods around her, '' would have ended up the same.''

'' Do you think I wanted this future for you young sorceress? Did you thing I did not try to change what is to come?''

'' Will you help me one last time then?'' She asks.

'' Of course Merlin.'' He rumbles.

* * *

Merlin was not surprised to find Mordred in her tent the night before the battle.

''What's wrong?''_ (Because she forgot to pretend not to care.) _She reaches out and brushes her fingertips across his cheek- surprised to find his face wet with tears.

He crawls over to her and lays his head on her lap.

She curls her hands into his hair as silent sobs wrack his body.

In the past she may have hoped that he had changed his mind- his destiny_, (but she has forgotten how to hope). _They stay like that until he falls asleep and she carefully moves him until they lie together side by side.

When she wakes in the morning he is gone.

* * *

Merlin ushers his servant out and finishes Arthur's armor, '' Just like old times.'' Merlin hands him Excalibur and snorts.

'' Yeah. Of course it doesn't help that you're still a prat.'' They both chuckle.

'' And you're still an incompetent servant.'' They both laugh harder until tears stream down their faces and she is leaning on him for support.

She steps back and he touches her cheek for a moment.'' I'm sorry I could not love you more Merlin.''

* * *

Screams ring through the air, the smell of flesh burning as Kilgharrah reigns fire down on Mordred's army, and sorcerers scramble as she opens the ground beneath them- stepping over bodies and maneuvering her way to where Mordred and Arthur face each other.

'Clang, clang, clang,' the sound of steel on steel rings across the field.

She loses her breathe as Mordred's sword runs Arthur through._ (She has seen this moment over and over- running through her mind, and yet the reality of it still makes her heart ache.)_

* * *

Arthur meets her eyes as he collapses onto his knees, and with one last bit of strength he pierces Excalibur through Mordred.

Merlin runs to the two men, flickering her eyes to Mordred, '' Go.'' He tells her.

She kneels beside Arthur and places a hand on his wound.

'' I-I- couldn't let you…kill him'' He rasps. Merlin presses down on the wound as he struggles for a moment.

'' Come on.'' She slings one of his arms around her shoulders and lifts him.

'' What are you-'' Hiss full weight falls on her, and she can feel her muscles strain to keep them both upright.

'' You didn't think I was going to let you die, did you?''

'' But-'' she shushes and licks her lips as they approach the water- a boat awaiting him.

In an instant he is lifted on to the boat- taken from her. His eyes no longer seeing. Merlin takes his hand, '' One day,'' she breathes, '' we shall see each other again.'' Without a word of acknowledgment the two women who occupy the boat start to row and disappear into the mist.

Her body now soaked with blood- she makes her way back to Mordred.

He is gasping as she lays his head in her lap.

'' You took him,'' he struggles out and she smiles, '' good.'' He breathes. Merlin closes her eyes as_ his breathing slows and he stares at the circling dragons above. '' We shall meet each other again.'' _He does not say it as a question. '' Merlin'' He closes his eyes as she reaches down- his last breath on her lips.

_(Overhead storm clouds gather) _


End file.
